my friend told me the following story this weekend and i have been so disturbed by it.
her bro-in-law's sister, we'll call her amy, cannot have kids and has had at least one adoption fall through. amy's neice, we'll call her zola, said, 'i'm fertile and done having kids so i'll just get pregnant and give you the kid.' amy asks, 'you have 3 boys, what if it is a girl? will you change your mind?' zola says, 'no'. so zola and her husband concieve. not amy's eggs. not amy's husband's sperm. then they find out it is a girl. zola's husband says, 'but it is a girl, we don't have a girl. are you sure?' and zola says, 'i told her i would give it to her and i will.' so she delivers the baby and gives it to her aunt.
i think this story is SO WEIRD! being a surrogate mother is not weird at all to me. and giving your baby up for adoption because it was unplanned and you are not prepared to raise it, even to a family member is not weird to me. but i am so disturbed by this story. won't the birth mom always feel some sort of regret or at least wonder? and would the aunt feel a bit guilty? and how is the girl going to feel when she sees her biological family at reunions? will she feel like she is missing out? like she was taken/given away? will she long to be a part of her 'real' family? i think it is a bad idea. i hope it works out for them but i would never do it. not even if we were desperate to have a child.
what do you think?
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Wow! I don't know what to think.
I agree with you completely kate. bad idea. I'm all for surrogacy and for adoption but this is bizarre. especially since it seems like the husband maybe sorta wasn't completely on board? or maybe he was, it doesn't matter because either way it's still jacked up.
why the hell didn't that "amy" person just get a surrogate or adopt a baby to begin with? I know it's expensive and a long wait and all that, but definitely better than this crazy scheme.
I wouldn't do it either because of all the reasons you mentioned. I think I have issues with anyone giving up their child when they are perfectly able to raise it in a two-parent home. I have heard about married women who only wanted a certain number of kids so they abort or give up kids that come along after they've reached their 'max.' I know this is different because it was intentional and for a 'good' cause. Still. WEIRD.
how old is the baby now? I'm just wondering if it was a while ago and everyone is happy with the situation, or if it was recently and someone is on the verge of a meltdown...couldn't she have just named her aunt as Godmother and saved me all this typing?
i just re-thought about this. I'm assuming that this zola character is normal, mentally healthy in a somewhat-stable marriage? If so, I'm sticking with my original comments.
If she's a jacked up tweeker with an abusive, drunk husband then...hooray for Auntie! Maybe the kid will be better off.
okay, definitely weird, but i have to admit, i would actually consider doing this for my older sister stacy. although i think the baby should be at least half of one of the adoptive parents, either eggs or sperm. having desperately wanted a child once upon a time i get this.
something just occurred to me... would this scenario seemed any different had she had another boy?
Some cultures this is quite common- here, kind of weird, tonga, not too weird. I know a girl that adopted her brother because she lost her baby shortly after birth.
angie--she's not jacked, just done with her family. and the aunt had an adoption fall through.
sarah--you are perfect for this. let's say when you couldn't conceive lisa offered to give you a baby. and it turned out to be a girl. wouldn't you feel weird taking it?
and since you have three boys, aren't you curious what a girl version of you guys would be like? i know, i know, i've heard it from everyone that has had all boys. 'we're good at boys..afraid of girls..loving having all boys..' of course you are grateful and love your boys but wouldn't that be hard to have a girl and then give her away?
i still think it would be weird if it had been a boy. more of a discarded feeling. maybe it would have been easier for the aunt to take it and the mother to give it. 'we've got plenty of these, here, have one.'
ya, OF COURSE the baby should have some DNA from at least one of the adoptive parents. That makes it an entirely different situation--surrogacy. It's like borrowing someones oven to bake your cake in, because your oven is broken. it's no biggie if you can find someone willing.
But just to give away your own flesh and blood baby...I REALLY dislike that.
maybe i could be more sympathetic if I had kids (or wanted kids), but i don't. so this is a hard one for me to wrap my brain around.
PS-I'm 100% for adoption and think it is a fantastic blessing in the right situation.
So why should this situation be so disturbing to me? It probably is a cultural thing, like Ginger mentioned.
No matter the situation giving up a baby would be difficult. Zola had to love the baby just like the others, right? She carried her for 9 months. I think going back on your promise is justified in this situation. Freak.
Is it expensive to be implanted? Why wouldn't 'amy' want part of her in the baby if possible?
I couldn't do it.
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